I wish you were more like your name. It’s been 6 months since we have broken up and to be honest, when you were talking about the reasons for breaking up, I couldn’t understand what you really meant. In a gist, the only thing I knew was that you wanted this to end. Like first love, this was my first break up.Hence, I couldn’t figure out how to respond then, the way I ran away when you proposed me. I am glad that I didn’t react, knowing what I have understood now is more fruitful for me as well as for you.
Let me brief up a bit what happened to me these six months. First, I couldn’t believe that you left. Soon the reality started creeping in when I witnessed everyday without you being by my side. Then I lost my appetite, felt nausea and vomited multiple times. Many times I lost my consciousness due to acute emotional stress. Although, it was emotional pain but it felt like physical pain in my heart. I went into depression, pulled away from my friends and family, wasn’t motivated enough to focus on my studies. I have lost a lot of weight. One good thing that happened though is that I can fit in my old clothes now. Once I was checking whether my favourite pink dress that I wore in Prom years ago, fits too and whoa! It did. Suddenly, I realized that there are different phases in our life and none of them are permanent. I could fit into my favourite dress because I lost weight. May be life could be better if I lose the burden of this break up. Officially we were for 4 years but in fact, every minute, hour, months, years that I spent mourning for you adds to that.
With you I lost a part of me and I’m glad I did because change is inevitable and the space created in me will be a basis for my transformation. You need a blank page to write on it, right? I wanted to share how I am moving forward, in case you are hurt too, you can try it out.
1) Hormones Harmony: When we are in love, two major hormones give us a feel good factor - Oxytocin and Dopamine. On heart break, their levels decreases and a stress hormone is released called Cortisol. In long run this stress hormone has side effects.
So I started consuming proteins, fruits, probiotics and less saturated fat. I meditate for 10 minutes everyday, go for a walk with Mom, listen to good music and have started learning how to sing. I have made it a point that I have a proper sleep routine.
2) Pet-Pal: You heard it right. I adopted a husky recently. He keeps me occupied and gives so much of love. Playing with him keeps me mentally, emotionally and physically healthy. I don’t feel lonely anymore.
3) Social-Sanctity: I am back to my social life but with a twist this time. I approached various NGOs to work for them voluntarily. Now I unleash creativity in the young artists. Yes, I am an Art Teacher for class 2 kids. I have started networking with lot of change makers of the society. Their company has changed my outlook towards life.
4) Food-Fun: I made a list of my favourite dishes. No, I still don’t cook but Mom does it for me. But I do click pictures and write it’s recipes on my Instagram . You should see number of likes and views I get.
5) Girl-Grooming: After doing all these, I naturally fell for self-care. I wear light and bright colour outfit. I take care of my skin and hair and overall well-being.
6) Friends: Every Friday night, we hang out at ‘Krishna dai ko chiya pasal’ outside college. Nothing has changed. His tea is as sweet as ever. Navin still takes chiya-choorot. We are trying help him quit and best part is his willingness to move on from cigarettes which is commendable.
7) Single-Year: I have taken a break from getting into a relationship at least for a year. Not because I have any grudges or I have gone against it. I feel I am not ready yet, not till I am completely over you. I don’t want to use other men to fill the gap that you have created. I still believe relationship is a beautiful thing and it depends on us how we handle it. One break up is not going to affect my future engagement. First, I am paying attention to my personal development which is a fundamental ground for every human being to have a good life.
Well, it’s all for now. Things are going well these days. Sometimes I do get those emotional pangs and I am okay with it for life is combination of mixed days. With time, the ingredients of this mix will change. I am not angry with you anymore. It was difficult to forgive you only to make me understand that there was nothing to be forgiven. First, it was our choice to be together and then it was your choice to leave. I was just late to follow up. I own my choices and take responsibility for it. I don’t regret it because I loved you and I don’t have anything to lose in it. I wish you a good life. See you when I see you. Take care.
“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”
- Carl Jung